Tomorrow I will have been on this earth for 37 years and today I can't help but think about the simpler times of the past, times when things weren't so hard. Back in the days when the hardest thing I had to do was get out of bed in the morning or decide what I was going to wear to school, or who my friends were going to be. Mom and Dad drove us everywhere and we could sleep when ever we wanted, although we never did. When little presents were the greatest and we looked forward to every new day. I remember when it seemed like an eternity until my next birthday and Christmas couldn't come soon enough.
Now I have to worry about mortgage payments, car payments, bills, where my next meal or tank of gas will come from and the never ending politics at work. I worry that I will never have a family other than the one I was born with and what that means for me when I get old. I worry about global warming, credit card interest, politics, housework, my dirty car, laundry, where I will be in 10 years and getting A's in all of my classes. I worry that I am not good enough to master life and that I will never be the person I see myself as. I have to watch what I say in the company of other adults, and my behavior is watched and criticized by everyone.
I look at my niece and nephews and see how hard they think life is and I want to shake them and tell them to enjoy it while they can. That it's never going to be this easy again. That someday they will have to make impossible decisions that affect the lives of others. To enjoy the simplicity that is theirs at this time in their lives.
Oh what I wouldn't do for just one day back in that life. When my Father was still here and we were all together, sliding in mud after it rained, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with out filthy fingers, catching boxes full of snails or bugs and bringing them in the house to the dismay of our mother. Wasting away the days in the swimming pool or playing "horsey" in the yard.
Tomorrow I am closer to 40 than 30 and I am feeling older everyday. I guess all I can do is keep trucking along and grasping at the simple things in life, a great shower, a beautiful day, a new flower in my yard, unexpected rain, clean sheets, cat fur on my feet, the smell of dog feet and knowing I am still alive.
I think we can live an entire life and still not know all there is. We're constantly learning about ourselves, about the people whom we think we've figured out, or even what the meaning of life is exactly. But I think you have it right: It's the simple things in life that mean the most. The things that matter. For me, I love a good sunrise, red sunsets, fog, snow, the smell of rain in the desert, Debra's perfume or my kids' hair, a good book, a good cigarette, the perfect gin & tonic, art, music, a good football game, chocolate, ...
ReplyDeleteI wish your dad was still around too. I think about him every single day. And just when my heart is breaking I can't help but laugh. I have to chuckle at the way he used to get scared while watching horror movies, the time when he wanted to push some old ladies in the middle of an intersection after listening to NIN while driving home from work, or how I could never beat him at a card game. He is an amazing man!
There's a time for all of this, and everything in its due time. 37 years is a blink of an eye. We haven't even touched the surface. There's so much more out there for us to experience. Yes, many of us live day-to-day, one day at a time, but just remind yourself the imprint you left that day. Imagine how many people you touched or influenced, how many of God's creatures you nurtured and cared for, or the love you created between you and your family, your firends, or your animal sons & daughters.
Happy birthday, Cassie! May the blessings of the "simple things" find you and the rewards of your continuous labor be plentiful. We are so proud of you and love you dearly.
-Jade
Wow Jade I am grateful for the thankful tears you just brought my heart. That was possibly the best Birthday wish I ahve ever recieved. Love you.
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